I often wonder what are the most valuable life hacks we should pass down to our offspring. You know, other than the serious fundamental lessons to raise an upstanding member of society, and a principled citizen of the world. I’m thinking more along the lines of simple rules to follow that will avoid embarrassing situations I have found myself in, such as, being caught with your metaphorical pants down. And that leads me neatly to one of the primary pieces of advice I will pass on to my children. Wear good pants. And by that I mean the British kind; underwear, knickers…panties.
Take for instance the time my husband returned breathless from a run, wearing an appalled expression and clutching a particularly skimpy pair of lacy knickers in his sweaty palms. It seems, mid-run he felt something dislodge from his netted sport shorts. Not so. As he moved to correct matters, two connected triangles of maroon lace fell into his hand having become tangled in the lining of his shorts during a washing machine spin cycle the day before.
Imagine my surprise several weeks later when I recounted the tale of my infelicitous knickers to my mother. Waiting patiently for me to finish, she coughed awkwardly and huddled closer as if about to unload a deeply buried family secret. She sympathised with my husband, for she too had experienced the rebellion of some rogue undies, and hers, she declared, had a lot more presence than mine!
It seems my dear mother had been mindlessly ambling along the frozen food aisle of her local supermarket when something tickled her ankle. As she looked down, shaking her leg in response, a significant amount of yesterday’s rather substantial knickers, who until that moment had stowed away unnoticed inside her trouser leg, started to make an untimely bid for freedom. Horrified that an acquaintance would witness this unwelcome tango of knickers and trouser leg, she subtly danced around until the offending undergarment was finally freed. Realising in a heartbeat that her briefs defied description, and were not in fact very brief at all, but rather more of the ‘comfortable’ variety, she knew they were not going to be easily concealed. Finding limited options in that split second, she swiftly kicked them under the nearest freezer compartment, did an about turn and fled for the supermarket exit, abandoning her overloaded weekly shopping trolley in the process.
My poor mother has now nearly recovered from the public ‘outing’ of her undies, but I just can’t help wondering about the unsuspecting store cleaner who once happened upon such an unusual ‘lost and found’ hiding out under the frozen peas.
So children, take heed, life lesson number 1, always wear underwear you are proud to be seen in!